Intimacy is More Satisfying than Gratification

Spencer writes, "Please talk more about how expressing our needs heals addiction. What do you mean when you say, 'it's more powerful to express our needs than to actually address our needs'?"

Spencer, I'm so glad you asked. It's such an important topic in recovery from addiction. Thanks for the chance to explain.

Here's what I've discovered in my own life and over the years working with clients: There's great power in becoming more aware of what's going on inside us and then revealing it to someone else, especially our spouse.

A good word for letting down our guard in this way is intimacy. It's about getting naked with our partner, not physically, but emotionally.

By taking the risk of being vulnerable and being real, we open the door for something very powerful to happen. We can be seen and heard for who we are. My wife can really get me. She can connect more fully with the real me than she ever has before, because I've just revealed to her even more of me to which she can relate.

The bond between us can strengthen because my interface with her has enlarged--there's more surface area to adhere.

One of the most helpful things we can do in recovery is conduct an autopsy on a close calls or relapses. (I like to assure clients: if our subject--their relapse--isn't dead before the autopsy, it probably will be by the time we're done.)

During these post-mortums, I'm always looking for the moment in their life when something real was going on inside, but it was something they quickly found unacceptable or automatically decided they shouldn't feel, so they tried to dismiss or suppress it.

I'm looking for missed chances to be real, missed opportunities for intimacy.

These are such important moments, because they show us those key turning points in our everyday life when we can be more aware of what we feel and stay connected to it instead of detaching from it. We can be real instead of trying to convince ourselves and others we feel something we don't. (A draining feat, often unsuccessful, and the trying can sure lead to dysfunction and misery.)

Here's how this looks in real life:

Trent was excited because his company's holiday party was at his favorite Mexican restaurant. As he walked down the buffet line in the banquet room, he realized that wouldn't be able to construct his favorite burrito because some of the ingredients he loved were missing. He'd dumped the pork and the black beans on his tortilla, but there was no sour cream or guacamole. It felt unsatisfying to sprinkled just lettuce and tomato chunks on top.

Trent felt bad, but he heard a voice inside saying, "Don't be a wimp. They're treating you to dinner for crying out loud." Then he remembered what he had discovered about being real. He knew from times past that the feelings he was having could put a kink in his mood for the night and hamper his ability to really "get into" and enjoy the party. Feeling ungratified could hamper his ability to enjoy himself and enjoy other people.

Unacknowledged resentments didn't evaporate, he had found. He would have found it easier to resent something during the CEO's state-of-the-company talk. Easier to find fault with little things about other party-goers. Easier to be irritated and annoyed with Stacy on the drive home.

What did Trent do? Simply ask a server for sour cream and guac? That might have worked fine, but what he did instead turned out to be even more powerful. He sat down by Stacy and said, "I was so disappointed when I got to the condiments and saw that there was no sour cream or guacamole."

Stacy looked over at his burrito and remembered what he usually ordered. "Oh, yeah. I bet that was a bummer for you."

Sounds simple, but very satisfying: Trent stays real with himself. He decides to be real with her. She gets him. She lets him in and let's him know she did. He stays more firmly rooted in reality. Enjoys the party more because he's not inwardly divided. He's not wasting mental and emotional wattage trying not to feel, trying to pretend he's not feeling something he really is feeling.

He talks to Stacy and it's over that quickly. Instead of the emotional energy staying contained and continuing to build up inside, it diffuses through Stacy like electricity through a ground wire.

That's the tremendous power of opening up to someone we love and having them understand and accept us as we are.

Trent felt at ease again. He got home that night tired and ready to sleep, instead of feeling disconnected and off-kilter and hankering for his old addiction to porn.

Patrick Blanc at The Academy of Science S.F.

Every Thursday evening The Academy of Science in San Francisco http://www.calacademy.org/ opens its doors to adults only for “date night”.
There is music , drinks, special seminars and of course, the fantastic Academy its self in all its stunning glory.
Last night , Feb. 10, The Academy hosted a special seminar featuring horticulturist extrodinaire Patrick Blanc and his new American vertical garden project, the Drew School.
Lots of San Francisco’s ‘hort-i-ratti’ were there mingling amongst the rain forest.
Members of The Hortisexuals ( who were extraordinarily well behaved despite all the alcohol ), a good showing from the local chapter of the APLD, Professors from Harvard and Berkeley , the Editor from our beloved Pacific Horticulture Magazine and passionate gardeners, designers and landscape architects from around the Bay Area were in attendance.

I was fortunate enough to know the local horticultural consultant David Feix , who is working in concert with Roma Architects,http://roma.com/ The Drew School http://www.drewschool.org/ and Patrick Blanc http://www.verticalgardenpatrickblanc.com/ on this exciting new project.
David, always the generous host and consummate gentleman introduced me to Patrick Blanc head gardener Silvan.

David and Silvan:

From academy

It was a wonderful opportunity to meet , speak and walk around the rain forest with these two most knowledgeable men.

Silvan checking out one of the Academy’s vertical gardens:

From academy

A bromeliad in the rainforest:

From academy

Blue legs, red body frogs:

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In the water tunnel:

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The talk by Mr. Blanc was insightful and his enthusiasm for vertical gardens contagious.
I left the evening inspired to try my hand , yet again, to attempt growing another vertical garden.

A unique designed living wall at the entry to The Moss Room - a restaurant within the Academy ( a great place to grab a bite to eat before the Academy opens its doors at 6 pm :

From academy

From academy

Everyday Wounds and the Salve of Addiction

I'm reading Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand's harrowing memoir of Louie Zamperini, a B-24 bombardier during World War II. A gunner on Zamperini's crew was hit by enemy fire during the air battle over Nauru. He was injured and bleeding, but kept firing his gun, staving off several Japanese Zeros that otherwise might have taken them down.

Emotionally, our everyday lives can be like a bombing run. Flak flies all around, and sometimes chunks make it through our armament. In the heat of battle, coursing with adrenaline, we might be able to ignore what we're feeling and keep manning our station. 

But what do we do once we're out of the fray and back at our base? 

Then it's wise to attend to the pain. Tell the medic where it hurts. Clean out the wound so it can heal instead of festering. 

What if we pretend we don't need a medic, and just head for the officer's club instead? Well, we'll probably be drinking more whiskey than usual on nights like that.

Gene used to rely on porn to ease the sting of emotional flak. Now he talked to his wife, Linda. 

Yesterday he was putting out little fires all morning at work. Then at lunchtime he got an email from the CEO chastising him for bidding too low on a big job for a demanding customer. "Work this hard and still can't please anyone," Gene thought. 

He had no time to stop and eat lunch. Thinking about all the phone calls and emails he had to catch up on ruined his appetite anyway. He worked through most of his lunch hour. 

However, before walking into his first afternoon meeting, Gene took a minute to text Linda. "hard day demand after demand found out i dropped a ball (big one) sore throat craving relief probably won't be home til 9 or 10 moan"

That's right.

Attend to the pain.

Say where it stings.

Clean it out.

Don't let it fester.

He discovered that evening that poor cell phone coverage in their building had prevented the text from even getting through to Linda.

And yet it had worked. It showed him that simply expressing a need can be as powerful as actually addressing it. Maybe expressing it is the most important part of addressing it.

It hadn't made the day easy. It hadn't eased the burning in his throat. But he knew what he needed at the end of the day, too. A hot meal and the chance to unload about his day with Linda. After he'd done that, he felt some relief. He was ready to go to sleep. He wasn't left jonesin' for the salve of his addiction.

EBONY AMATEUR ANUS TATOO ASS DUPLO SEX ANAL ORGY HAIR CLOSE PISSING

Break the Trance of Craving

(Also check out our most recent post on this topic: Don't Fight Your Urges, Cure Your Cravings.)

Charlie had just relapsed the day before our session, so we had fresh craving material to work with.

"I was so discouraged after I gave in. I'd been doing well for two weeks."

I had Charlie close his eyes and imagine that he was looking down some stairs at a door to an underground room. "Walk down the steps 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Now you're on the landing. Open the door, walk in, and you find a table there with chairs around it. There is a window and a door in the wall to your right and a window and door in the wall to your left. Walk over to your right and look in that window.

In that room is you from yesterday, right after you messed up. Tell me what you notice about the guy in there, that former you. How does he feel? What's going through his mind?

Tears were squeezing through Charlie's closed eyes. He is 61 years old and he's been struggling with this addiction since he was a teenager.

"He's depressed and discouraged. He feels worthless. At times in the past he has even felt suicidal. He wonders if Louise is finally going to give up on him."

"Walk into that room and take him by the arm," I instructed Charlie. "Walk back into the main room with that downhearted you and take him over to the window of the other room, the room on the left. You both look in and see another you, the one from just an hour earlier yesterday, the you that was craving pornography, ready to go find some. As you watch him, can you tell what's going on inside him?"

"He's lonely. Confused. He's discouraged about mixed signals from Louise."

"What mixed signals."

"The night before, she initiated snuggling. We were lying close to each other and our legs were entwined. But when I tried to initiate sex, she pulled away. Then I remembered that she had pushed me away the last time I tried to be affectionate with her."

I asked Charlie to go into the room and bring that craving self into the main room and sit both the craving self and the downhearted self down at the table.

"Now ask them both, 'Isn't there a way to keep working toward connection with Louise--without feeling down on yourself because of the way things go or behaving in a self-destructive way?"

The discouraged, post-relapse part of him had an idea: "I could talk to Louise about wanting to be closer and tell her that the relationship is too important to me to keep destroying it by pulling away or acting out."

The tempted, pre-relapse part of him wasn't sure that would work. "It seemed useless to talk to her yesterday. It felt hopeless. It seemed like the relationship had no meaning to her, so why try? I lost perspective, got depressed, and then the good stuff in my life loses importance."

Charlie thought for a minute as I took notes on what he'd just said. "Plus, if I tell her that feelings about our relationship were a part of what led to my relapse, I'm afraid she'll feel like I'm blaming her for my problems."

What the heck, I thought. Let's bring an imaginary Louise into the room and let her speak for herself. We had both the pre-relapse Charlie and the post-relapse Charlie tell Louise what a central role she plays in his life. They admitted that they sometimes overreact to the way she responds. The bottom line for all three Charlies was this: he wants to be close to her. He wants to make love more often but he didn't want her to take on feelings of responsibility for keeping him sober.

He wants to be able to open up about what he was going through instead of keeping it bottled inside. I asked him how the imaginary Louise felt about that. The tears flowed again. "She can handle it. She welcomes it. She's always wanted it and keeps asking for it. It's me that struggles with openness."

Seemed like a productive session. A few more bricks out of the wall that keeps Charlie from reaching out instead of acting out when he's in need.

I think that future craving states will be a little less impervious to other options and other ways of viewing life. Hopefully, Charlie's maladaptive lines of thinking will be a little less convincing in the heat of future moments of temptation.

(A brief note about this technique: it is based on the work of George Leowenstein and others in the field of behavioral economics. They study the phenomenon of temporal flux in our preferences. At different points in time we experience very different states of mind with different preferences and inclinations. When I crave porn I can't relate to the way I will think and feel after relapsing. Leowenstein calls this "the intrapersonal hot-cold empathy gap." The me that I am right before I relapse doesn't empathize with the me I will become immediately after relapse. Fortunately, just as it's possible to develop empathy for others, we can also develop greater empathy between our own various temporally shifting states. That is the purpose of this technique. To delve further into the fascinating field behavioral economics, check out Dan Gilbert's book Stumbling on Happiness. To see how it can be applied in a practical way to overcome addictions... keep coming back to this blog and watch for my next book.)

How to Stop Looking at Porn on the Computer

I have more confidence in the next generation whenever I get done meeting with Wendy. She is delightful 17-year-old who has her own unique style, writes quirky poetry, and is editor for her school's literary magazine.

She also happens to be struggling with a pornography and masturbation habit.

We've met together for the better part of a year. She's doing better, but unfortunately still struggling. She's so sincere and motivated. She keeps showing up and doing all her homework. It inspires me.

When she starts to get down on herself, I remind her: "I'm dang good at what I do, and I'm struggling to figure this one out just like you are. But we haven't failed. We just haven't completely succeeded yet!"

Doesn't mean we're approaching the process wrong; it's just the nature of this struggle sometimes. We're still playing detective, looking for what's leading her to falter, exploring why her craving mindset is so insulated from her wise mind, and trying to address those issues as we identify them.

The fact that her treatment has taken a while has given us the chance to discuss quite a few of the tools and techniques that I've found to be helpful for other clients over the years. The fact that she's an editor has led her to pare down my wordy material into straightforward stop-drop-and-roll type steps.

She was nice enough to let me share the document with you:

When you feel the trigger…
Thoughts to look out for:

• “I’ll just do_____, I won’t actually get all the way to______”
• “Just one time isn’t a big deal.”
• “The consequences won’t be that big of a deal. It’s worth it.”
• -ack of thought. Just Action.

Be especially careful when you feel like A SLOB:

• like Avoiding something
• Stressed
• Lonely
• Overwhelmed
• Bored

How to avoid acting on temptations:
Shift modes

• Accept: “Oh, good. A chance to practice mastery.
• Breathe: A few nice, full breaths.
• Notice: focus on specific sight, touch, and sound.
• Vision: picture an image that captures the feeling of freedom
• Choose: now that you are free, make a choice (hint: choose freedom)
• Surf the feeling

Accept

• Recognize the thoughts for what they are.
• Don’t fight the urges, let them come on, but don’t succumb to them, either.

Become a scientist:

• Where do you feel it?
• How much time did it happen for?
• Observe, observe, observe.
• Reach out to others
• Call up someone and groan.
• Tell people what you are doing online, and how long you will be doing it for.
• Just talk to someone.
• Make any sort of human connection to fulfill that need.

Stick to Dr. Jeff Robinson's 2 out of 3 rule (always do 2 of these when online)

1. Someone is in the room who can see the screen.
2. Tell someone what I am doing and when I will be finished.
3. Stick to your white list (agreed upon safe sites)

Keep perspective.

• Picture 8 year old and 13 year old Wendy, and how much you have grown
• What would I do for a child that age who was in need. (Wouldn't give them sex!)
• Go in the conference room with the sad little part of you that gives into temptation
• Think of what other options you have. There are options.

Surrender the temptation

• Pray.
• Know that you are too weak to fight on your own, ask for help
• Turn to the scriptures

Delay

• Set a time that you can mess up at
• Prepare for that time with previous steps, reading, praying, etc…
• If you mess up at that time, let yourself. Delaying is the point.

Attach an ordeal

• Do after messing up if you have to, but eventually try to make it before.
• Do the dishes, or ten jumping jacks every time you mess up, or before you mess up.

Imagine

• Imagine the sensation after messing up
• Imagine yourself messing up (not the actual process, just pretend it already happened)

What to do after you mess up:

• Keep a journal 
• Record ups and downs,
• Record emotions before and after mess ups.
• Tell someone
• Within 15 minutes, let someone know you messed up.

Remember:

• It’s a bump in the road, not a wrong turn.
• Don’t stress, as stress goes down, so will mess ups.
• Christ has already won the greatest battle, anyway. If you’re doing well, 
• celebrate that. If not, take solace in it.
• Keep a playful attitude. It’s like a game. Satan doesn’t get humor. It is a 
• freedom of mind. He isn’t a free being.
• Progressing slowly and the problem not going away look similar, but they’re not the
• same thing!

Try:

• Going through the first few actions in the process of messing up, then stopping, to prove there is an exit option.
• Make a paper chain, string of beads, etc. marking successful and unsuccessful days.

Best Free Online Help for Kicking a Porn Habit

Our blog is here to help couples heal relationships damaged by pornography.

But remember: relationship recovery is not the whole picture.

Don't neglect your individual recovery! We can't truly be there for a partner unless we are progressing toward personal integrity and inner wholeness.

Check out these other free online resources to boost your individual recovery... and then keep coming back here to work on your relationship.

1. Over at Feed the Right Wolf, Alex offers a great free course that will help you understand and deal with cravings. Alex admits he's no doctor and English is not his native tongue... and then he goes on to explain the power of methods like Exposure and Response Prevention better than we psychologists do. He argues for a broad and balanced approach since, in his own experience, "a combination of different methods appeared to be bringing the optimal result."

2. Check out New Life Habits when you have time for a feast... or keep going back for quick snacks. You'll find practical entries like how to create your own rehab and thought provokers such as you'd better learn to enjoy your new life if you expect to keep it.

3. For years I've been referring people to Joe Zychic's work over at SexualControl.com. Look there for great insights on why willpower alone is doomed to fail and how to cultivate a deeper and more sustaining motivation for change. His work will convince you that addictive sex is no match for genuine loving sex in a real relationship.

On all of these sites, comments from other visitors are sometimes the most helpful and inspiring. You'll leave knowing you're not alone!