Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Picture Your Porn-Free Future
It's a question I ask all my new clients.
Jake didn't need time to ponder. "I won't have this problem, my porn habit, weighing me down. I'll be able to focus on other things in my life without worrying when the obsessions are going to return with a vengeance and eclipse everything important to me."
What will that be like for you?
"Oh, a tremendous relief. I will know that my hopes and efforts weren't in vain. I have to admit, with how much I've struggled, I've started wondering whether it's a dream that will never come true."
What will that mean to you? To feel that relief? To know you've made it?
"Oh..." Jacob's face reddened and his voice faltered. "That would mean everything to me. It feels like this is the main thing holding me back from the life I want. I have a wonderful wife, a new daughter, a job I like... It would finally feel like I'm living the life I want, complete and free with this cleaned up. I wouldn't have this burden, this recurring failure, holding me back and pressing me down."
I always know we're getting somewhere when folks talk about burdens lifting, murkiness clearing, being able to breathe more easily. Things are brighter, lighter, and there's plenty of oxygen. Life is good!
It would be huge for you.
"It would mean everything to me. For the first time in my adult life, I could count on my mind being under my own control."
If there were a price tag on this future you're envisioning, how much would you be willing to pay to have it?
"It would be priceless. There's limit to what I would pay."
If I were to travel into the future, follow you around for a day, videotape everything, then come back and push play right now, what would we see on-screen?
"Me living with self-respect and confidence."
How could we tell that's what you feel inside? What would we see on-screen?
"I'd be looking the people I care about in the eye. You'd see my wife smiling instead of looking tense. I'd be involved, working side-by-side with people instead of withdrawing back to my own cubicle in hopes that they won't notice that I have this dark side. I'd look at ease and have a smile on my face when I went to bed at night."
Bingo. Jake's individuality and personalized vision for the future is really sinking in for me. He's not just one more client struggling with the same problem I work on with most of my other clients. I'm starting to feel hopeful for his future and excited about helping him get there. I'm eager for that future moment when Jake and I will look back and celebrate his progress and freedom. His success!
It's absolutely crucial to build a clear, personalized vision of a porn-free future. If we don't know exactly where we're going, we reduce our chances of getting there.
Feel free to go back and read the italicized bold questions above, as though they were directed at you.
Write out your answers.
Then, take two or three of the most inspiring tidbits and use them as a part of your Cue Mastery practice. Keep practicing that exercise as directed there. Each repetition is building within your brain a ready route, an escape hatch of sorts, for those key times when you feel drawn by either the euphoria or the inertia of your addiction.
Hang in there! You deserve that better future, the one you can almost taste! You're not expecting it to fall into your lap; you're learning and working and even searching online for solutions. You may not feel sure of it yet, but I'm confident because I've seen hundreds of people find freedom: the path you're on now is the one that will take you there!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
San Francisco Garden Show Review - 2011
The San Francisco Flower and Garden Show is now open for your viewing pleasure.
It is located in San Mateo from March 23- 27 2011.
This year the show gardens were thoughtful in their design approach with consideration towards our current down turned economy , otherwise known as the ‘cone of doom’.
This translates to nice safe design with an eye toward recycled and affordable materials and the inclusion of the current trend of ‘grow your own food for Christ sakes!'.
The few gardens that appealed to my sense of quality construction, unique design and well balanced proportions are as follows :
Outdoor Environments got my vote for highly detailed construction craftsmanship.
The cubic arbor constructed out of richly oiled ipe wood displayed clean and tight lines.
The joinery was pure perfection.
Artfully placed across one corner was a swag of ceramic sculpture work by local artist Marcia Donahue.
For looking outside the Pi r squared box ( that was the name of the exhibit ) Jeffery Gordon Smith wowed us with an organic formed vignette that used a variety of upcycled materials.
A giant orange tea cup ( a hot tub ) sat prominently in the center of the garden. I loved the shape, form and color but was horrified that it used environmentally assaulting wood heat to power the tub. Can you imagine the amount of highly polluting wood smoke it will create just to take a 20 minute soak ? ! Major points off for this eco offending energy polluting appendage. If they made a clean burning gas or electric tub in this shape, he’d gain back some eco- conscience credibility. His exhibit won lots of awards and shared ( a first ) the grand poobah prize of the Golden Gate Cup - Best in show award. ( note the 2008 winner.. .. a shameless plug )
Brian Swope of Terra Seca design is a perennial favorite designer of mine. He never fails to shy away from pushing the limits of design. This year his rock wave garden was impressive. Undulating waves of stone criss crossed over one another with drifts of tufted grass riding the waves. Unfortunately the lighting designer for the show did his exhibit no favors in using the incorrect light to highlight his design craftsmanship. The disturbing yellow lights killed the life out of the plants. When will the show hire a great theatrical lighting company like they use to do when they worked with Holtzmueller Lighting at Fort Mason ?
Good design deserves decent lighting .
The artfully sculpted stonework from “A Lost Art Stonework & Design” company featuring Douglas Bryants creative handcrafted craftsmanship was quite impressive, especially when you consider he had only 3 days to construct his wall . I’m looking forward to hiring this young talented man in the future should such a opportunity present itself.
One of my alma mater’s , Filoli, ( I did one of my Horticultural Internships there ) won the Golden Gate Cup Award for its beautiful rendition of a slice of California living. In true traditional flavor, Filoli festooned its exhibit with a beautiful show of spring daffodils blooming amongst exquisitely set native boulders. The well known and loved Dovecote was brought into the garden but the designer, Lucy Tolmac, spiffed it up with a modern twist by covering it with a veneer of savory succulents.
Well that’s enough verbiage for now. Here are a few more images from the show.
If you can, I hope you can make it down to the show. I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.
It is located in San Mateo from March 23- 27 2011.
This year the show gardens were thoughtful in their design approach with consideration towards our current down turned economy , otherwise known as the ‘cone of doom’.
This translates to nice safe design with an eye toward recycled and affordable materials and the inclusion of the current trend of ‘grow your own food for Christ sakes!'.
The few gardens that appealed to my sense of quality construction, unique design and well balanced proportions are as follows :
Outdoor Environments got my vote for highly detailed construction craftsmanship.
The cubic arbor constructed out of richly oiled ipe wood displayed clean and tight lines.
The joinery was pure perfection.
Artfully placed across one corner was a swag of ceramic sculpture work by local artist Marcia Donahue.
 |
| From San Francisco Garden Show 2008 |
For looking outside the Pi r squared box ( that was the name of the exhibit ) Jeffery Gordon Smith wowed us with an organic formed vignette that used a variety of upcycled materials.
A giant orange tea cup ( a hot tub ) sat prominently in the center of the garden. I loved the shape, form and color but was horrified that it used environmentally assaulting wood heat to power the tub. Can you imagine the amount of highly polluting wood smoke it will create just to take a 20 minute soak ? ! Major points off for this eco offending energy polluting appendage. If they made a clean burning gas or electric tub in this shape, he’d gain back some eco- conscience credibility. His exhibit won lots of awards and shared ( a first ) the grand poobah prize of the Golden Gate Cup - Best in show award. ( note the 2008 winner.. .. a shameless plug )
 |
| From San Francisco Garden Show 2008 |
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
Brian Swope of Terra Seca design is a perennial favorite designer of mine. He never fails to shy away from pushing the limits of design. This year his rock wave garden was impressive. Undulating waves of stone criss crossed over one another with drifts of tufted grass riding the waves. Unfortunately the lighting designer for the show did his exhibit no favors in using the incorrect light to highlight his design craftsmanship. The disturbing yellow lights killed the life out of the plants. When will the show hire a great theatrical lighting company like they use to do when they worked with Holtzmueller Lighting at Fort Mason ?
Good design deserves decent lighting .
 |
| From San Francisco Garden Show 2008 |
The artfully sculpted stonework from “A Lost Art Stonework & Design” company featuring Douglas Bryants creative handcrafted craftsmanship was quite impressive, especially when you consider he had only 3 days to construct his wall . I’m looking forward to hiring this young talented man in the future should such a opportunity present itself.
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
One of my alma mater’s , Filoli, ( I did one of my Horticultural Internships there ) won the Golden Gate Cup Award for its beautiful rendition of a slice of California living. In true traditional flavor, Filoli festooned its exhibit with a beautiful show of spring daffodils blooming amongst exquisitely set native boulders. The well known and loved Dovecote was brought into the garden but the designer, Lucy Tolmac, spiffed it up with a modern twist by covering it with a veneer of savory succulents.
 |
| From San Francisco Garden Show 2008 |
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
Well that’s enough verbiage for now. Here are a few more images from the show.
If you can, I hope you can make it down to the show. I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
 |
| From Mar 24, 2011 |
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Path from Craving to Freedom
A Fool's Dilemma:
In the throes of addiction, there are only two apparent ways out of the craving state. One is to resist. We try to wrench ourselves out of "Go!" and back into "Stop!" mode. The problem is, all of our "Stop!" efforts don't eclipse the "Go!" signal in the brain. An inner arms race of sorts is launched. Fighting a craving does not resolve it, and a we keep bouncing like a pinball back into the craving state we were trying to escape.
We sometimes get so tired of fighting that the other way out of our craving state not only sounds more and more appealing but starts to make more and more sense. We succumb to temptation. We give in and "Go!" We proceed from Craving and on to Indulging & Gratification, and then inevitably on to Satiation & Guilt.
After indulging, it may seem like we're free. Guilt and satiation both keep the craving monster at bay--for a time. However, indulging is just as sure a route back to craving, even if it is more roundabout than fighting was. The "Go!" state, when it returns, is stronger than ever, reinforced in the brain by the gratification of our latest indulgence.
The Best Way Out:
Anna Childress, a researcher the University of Pennsylvania, is my heroine in the field of addiction. She has made a career of studying the brain's "Go!" signal and developing anti-craving tools and strategies.
The coolest thing Childress came up with was a creative way to help addicts pave a third path out of the craving state. She showed cocaine addicts videos of someone using cocaine, which triggered in them a craving state. Then, instead of leaving them to their usual options--fighting or succumbing--she guided them to practice a state of mastery by engaging in techniques such as calming their breathing and envisioning a sober future. They repeated this process over and over again, practicing effective coping skills while in a state of craving. Later, when they faced triggers in the real world, their brain had plenty of practice taking this third exit.
"Cue Exposure and Coping Skills Training" has been utilized and embellished by many others since Childress came up with it, and has been found to be extremely effective in reducing addicts vulnerability to relapse. The sequence of going from craving to mastery starts to become almost as automatic as relapse once was.
The coolest part is that this third path doesn't just loop back to the trap of craving. The state of mastery enables an addict to move on with their day and eventually, when practiced regularly, to move on with their life. Not only can we get better at it over time, it becomes more rewarding. Freedom is pleasurable in its own way, so the brain starts to become more enticed by the route of mastery.
Commit to the Process:
Amidst a devastating fire, hundreds of children safely exit the school building in an orderly manner. This feat is possible--and in fact almost automatic--because they practiced doing the same thing over and over during fire drills.
We can develop the ability to respond with the same alacrity to potentially devastating cravings, but we need the same kind of practice and repetition.
How To Practice Cue Mastery:
Commit now to beat your own path from craving to freedom by practicing Cue/Mastery twice a day over the next three weeks and then once a day for three weeks after that. You're building a neurological bridge that will enable your brain to go from craving to mastery in the heat of even the most tempting moments.
Here's how your twice-daily practice will go:
1. Bring to mind a trigger situation. Imagine it vividly.
2. Once you feel the pull, take your heart rate for 15 seconds.
3. Practice these mastery inducers/craving neutralizers:
- take eight nice, slow, full breaths. Keep count by moving your thumb from one finger to another at the end of each exhale...
- then, dwell for a few moments on how much a future of freedom will mean to you...
- then, imagine doing something enjoyable or meaningful that's incompatible with relapse...
4. Take your heart rate again for 15 seconds.
Keep a record of your practice. Think of it as your twice-a-day dose of antibiotic: take one first thing after waking up and again later right before going to bed.
I've not only seen the result of the research by Dr. Childress and others, I've seen the fruits of this technique in the lives of my clients. I'm confident that it will be well worth your while.
Let me know how it goes!
One Real Wrinkled Wife or a Harem of Airbrushed Goddesses?
Candeo is running this article on their blog. While you're over there check out their free mini-course.
Monday, March 21, 2011
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