We Go to Porn When We Need TLC

Paul had a hard day at work. His rear end hurt. His eighthour shift at the call center was long and boring. He thought about his buddieswho still worked at the car wash and longed for the good old days. He came homeand slumped over the kitchen table and unloaded all his complaints to his mom.

               

“Oh, honey,” she cooed. “It’s so hard to make these kindsof transitions. Life’s not nearly as fun as it used to be. I can see how hard itis right now to hold the course, even though you thought it would be the best wayto pay tuition.”

               

After a couple of minutes, Paul got up from the table,nodded an appreciative look to his mom, and walked downstairs to get ready forhis workout.

               

Paul has learned to check in about what he’s feeling. Hehas discovered that when he spills his emotions in this way and senses that hismom’s heart is going out to him, he feels some relief. It helps him “reset”emotionally.

               

When we find ourselves disoriented by unsettling emotion, we are genuinely in need. Fortunately, the human nervoussystem has a way of getting us what we really need when we need it. Ourattention narrows to the one thing our survival seems to depend on. We becomeextremely motivated to seek it. The brain becomes like a pit bull that won’tlet go.

               

Our genuine survival needs are all that way. We needoxygen, and if  we are ever deprived ofit, the brain makes sure nothing else matters until we get it. We have moreleeway when it comes to sleep and food, but if we’re deprived long enough,eventually we become single-minded and driven until those survival needs aresatisfied.

Our need for compassion and support when we’re strugglingemotionally is just as essential to our well-being. Connection with a loved-oneat such times is our emotional oxygen. Take a deep breath of it, and we ourbrain resets and we can move on with life. When we’re denied it, we can’t easilyturn our focus to other things. We stay narrow-minded, shut down, and functionat a much lower level than usual.

If we can’t acknowledge what we feel, reach out tosomeone close, and sort it out with them, then we fail to reset in the most fittingway. We remain emotionally distraught and cognitively compromised. And,unfortunately, primed for a relapse. The brain is craving relief from thedistress, and porn provides a powerful distraction. But it’s only apseudo-reset, not a genuine solution. Soon the original distress returns, andwith it with the added bite that we let porn into the driver’s seat of our livesagain.

That’s how it used to go for Paul. Fortunately, he takesa better path now when he’s feeling downhearted.

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